Lying is a common behavior for folks with borderline personality disorder (BPD) or other emotional dysregulation problems and is often quite distressing for everyone involved. Common approaches, such as trying to get to the bottom of the truth, forcing the person to come clean and admit the lie, or punishing the person, tend to be ineffective and pejorative.
Lying is a primitive coping mechanism that protects us from feeling bad about ourselves. It can develop very early in childhood and persist into the teen years, later becoming a habitual behavior in adulthood.
Most teens and adults have come to learn that acting out and lying are not effective behaviors. However, it is not uncommon for those who have Borderline Personality Disorder or other emotion dysregulation problems to keep using these primitive defenses well beyond young adulthood.
Because lying behavior happens frequently in this population it has resulted in some misconceptions. Even though many people believe lying is part of borderline personality disorder, the link between BPD and lying is not so clearly defined.
In fact, if you review the symptoms of BPD, lying is nowhere to be found. In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) of Mental Illnesses, the standard source healthcare providers use to make diagnoses, lying is not part of BPD’s diagnostic criteria.
Of course, that doesn’t necessarily mean that those with BPD do not lie or that they aren’t more likely to lie. In fact, many family members and friends of those with BPD tell me that lying is one of the biggest challenges in their relationship with their loved one.
In order to understand why a loved one with BPD may tell outrageous lies about themselves and others—to the point of causing some pretty harmful consequences such as damaging reputations, losing relationships, being fired from jobs, etc—we can look to some basic principles of human behavior.
Research suggests:
- We all lie occasionally
- People in general tell an average of one or two lies a day.
- People lie most often about their feelings, their attitudes and opinions. Less often they lie about their actions, plans, and whereabouts. Lies about achievements and failures are also commonplace.
Why do people with borderline personality disorder (or other emotion dysregulation disorder) lie?
They feel guilt or shame
A person may not be totally forthcoming about how they feel about things. They may be uncomfortable with their emotions, embarrassed by them, or afraid feeling a certain way may make them look immature, awkward or other.
To conceal not meeting someone's expectations
They worry that if they disappoint someone by not meeting their expectations, that person might choose to abandon them. They are also often motivated to try to avoid having to tolerate others' negative emotional experience, as this will certainly prompt distressing emotions in themselves.
To cover up failure
BPD people may pretend they are succeeding to cover up failure. Fear and shame are again at play. People with BPD tend to lack a solid sense of self. They attempt to copy other people who they see as successful in some domain. Not measuring up (or the perception of not measuring up) can feel like they are in life-threatening danger.
To explain themselves
They may lie in an attempt to explain why they behaved in a specific manner. When a person has big emotions and expresses them in ways that are considered “over the top” or “crazy” as compared to most other people, the person with BPD may lie to try to provide an explanation that matches the intensity of the feeling.
To get attention
Being tended to is a completely normal need, that folks with emotion regulation often struggle to get met in effective ways. They may lie to get attention in situations where they have an unmet need or want. When an individual believes they are unseen, the primitive brain considers their life to be in danger. When others receive recognition or validation in even the smallest way, the BPD person becomes highly motivated to get their need to be seen met immediately.
To attempt to fill a need
They may lie in an attempt to fill the need for love, affection and belonging. [Example / say more?]
To avoid doing something
There are many reasons a person might want to avoid doing something at any given moment. For emotionally sensitive people it may be just the faintest inkling that they might not do a “good enough” job. Or it could be that they have to stop doing what they are currently engaged in and transition quickly which sets off their danger alarm. They may be seeking a sense of control over their time and energy, want to avoid conflict, or simply dislike what they are avoiding. Often, they may be lacking the tools to skillfully avoid, and lying is a quick, familiar method.
To protect their privacy
As human beings, we all have a boundary between what personal information we are willing to share with others and what we want to keep private. Invasion of this space can be extremely threatening as it breaches a very personal and intimate line of protection. When a person assumes correctly or incorrectly that their privacy is being challenged, lies can seem like an at-all-costs way to limit the threat.
To feel independence
They may lie to feel a sense of independence from their parents, partners, bosses, or others who attempt to control them. A sense of being in control of our environment and in general of our lives is necessary to thrive. Learning to make choices and tolerate mistakes is necessary to grow into a fully effective adult. When that balance of self-efficacy and acceptance as we are by others is removed by a parent, spouse, or even an employer, who even though well-meaning makes all our decisions for us, we receive a message that it’s not ok to fail. It seems as if there is only one right way and that we are incapable of figuring things out for ourselves. We can see why adolescents in particular can resort to lies in attempts to get their need for independence met, and this may become a difficult pattern to break.
They are afraid of the consequences of being honest
They may simply be afraid of the consequences of telling the truth in any given situation. This is not uncommon. When punishment has been consistent and especially if the punishment was not a natural consequence of the behavior being punished, anyone will notice an urge to avoid being punished.
To be perceived more favorably
They may feel compelled to cast themselves in a more favorable light. When we have what is commonly referred to as an “external locus of control", we find ourselves looking at others and comparing ourselves to them in an attempt to figure out exactly how we are “expected" to be. When one has been repeatedly told they are wrong or mistaken, that they don't measure up or have been reminded of how others have succeeded, a fabricated story about oneself can be a desperate attempt to fit in or find acceptance. A core sense of believing one is not good enough can be a powerful trigger for lying.
They think it's harmless
They believe a "white lie" has no malice attached to it. As children most of us were taught that a "little white lie” is acceptable if it helps avoid hurting someone’s feelings or helps make them feel better. It’s easy to see how over time this can develop into a people-pleasing tool and a tool for avoiding social stress that may very well become a fixed pattern of behavior.
To experience a sense of power
The person may enjoy the power that comes from deliberately deceiving and making fools out of other people for malicious reasons. These lies often carry serious consequences for other people and may lead to situations people consider unfair or unjust. This behavior definitely falls into the category of a Red Flag and there is good reason to proceed with caution.
They think the ends justify the means
Clients who have been in AA often use this quote: “The pain of the problem has to be worse than the pain of the cure.” Going back to the idea of each person having certain needs and wants in any given moment, it makes sense that getting what they want this minute might be worth the pain of being caught in a lie.
They confuse emotion with facts
The intensity of their emotion in the moment causes them to take in pieces of information that confirm that what they are feeling in that moment is a fact. The result is they believe or (lie) that XYZ happened when it did not.
To protect or defend friends
If a friend is in serious trouble with their parents, the school, or authorities, particularly teenagers may come to their defense with alibis, stories, alternate versions of what happened, or outright denials — all to help their friend get out of a jam.
To cover up emotions
If a friend is in serious trouble with their parents, the school, or authorities, particularly teenagers may come to their defense with alibis, stories, alternate versions of what happened, or outright denials — all to help their friend get out of a jam.
Common lies you may have used yourself
What I say:
What I may actually mean:
Probably
No OR It’s highly unlikely
I’m fine
I don’t want to talk about it OR I’m unhappy
Not exactly
You’re wrong
Yes, but…
No, and here’s how you’re wrong
I was a bit disappointed
I was angry or sad
Maybe
No
I’m sure it’s my fault
It’s your fault
I’ll try
I plan on doing nothing
I guess so
No, what you suggest is ridiculous
I don’t know
I know but I’m not going to tell you OR I don’t want to talk about it
Let’s do it your way
I don’t agree but I’m giving in
Not bad
I hate it
When lying occurs in BPD
There are a few potential reasons as to why lying may occur in people with BPD.
Intense Emotional Experiencing
People with BPD experience emotions more intensely than others. These feelings can be so severe that the individual’s thinking becomes clouded, the result of which can be that their perception of a situation is different from how other people see it. When this occurs the individual looks for details that confirm what they are feeling and the intensity at which they feel it, feel and ignore facts that will contradict them. This is known as confirmation bias. This can be tremendously frustrating for friends and family members. It’s important to understand that the person with BPD isn’t consciously lying—they truly believe their viewpoint is correct even when it’s, by all other accounts, false.
Impulsivity
BPD is also associated with impulsivity, the tendency to do things without thinking about the consequences. So it stands to reason that some instances of lying may be the result of a person with BPD just not thinking before giving a response. The action urge associated with the intense emotion they are experiencing may carry an associated urgency to act fast to avoid a potential threat.
Shame
In addition, people with BPD often experience deep and entrenched shame, so lying may be one way to conceal mistakes or weaknesses that increase shameful feelings. When people believe they are unworthy, they may believe they have to say the “right” things (whether true or untrue), so they can look and feel different than they really are. The facts are simply too painful to acknowledge to themselves, let alone verbalize to others. This in itself is quite a quandary and can add another layer of shame.
Rejection Sensitivity
People with BPD are often also very sensitive to rejection, so one function of lying could be to “cover-up” mistakes or to make themselves acceptable or desirable enough to fit in, or an event interesting and exciting so that others will notice them and desire their company vs rejecting them.
Distorted or Lack of Sense of Self
When one’s sense of self – values, beliefs, interests, goals – are vague and shifting it can be easy to make a statement that feels true in the moment but holds little truth over time with drastic shifts in self. Furthermore, People with BPD may have difficulty identifying cause and effect. In order to make their own chaotic world more predictable and manageable, they may create a false narrative that explains why things happen to them the way they do. If you do not go along with their narrative, they may accuse you of nefarious motivations or actions, without realizing their perspective may have prompted your response.
No matter why a person with BPD lies, whether it’s because they truly think their worldview is correct or because they’re feeling fearful and ashamed, the impact on their life and on the lives of their loved ones and friends can be devastating.
The potential for broken relationships and ill will is high. Resentment, confusion, frustration, and burn out on the part of the family or the therapist is completely understandable. [Need to say more about the impact of lying on others. Distrust.]
This is why it’s tremendously important for the client to understand that they must change this behavior if they want to maintain and improve important relationships. The threat of abandonment can be real.
Another significant problem with lying is a phenomena known in DBT as apparent competency. Apparent competency occurs when the individual appears more functional than they really are.
We see this quite often when the person with BPD has a narrative that suggests they are “fine.” It is typical for the client to underestimate the difficulty of being skillful in daily life outside the treatment program, therapist office, or group setting. It also communicates to the treatment team, family and supports that the individual is more capable than they are, leading to unreasonable expectations and more contention when expectations are not met, as well as an increased sense of failure or self-hatred when the individual is unable to do as well as they believed they could.
Just because someone “should” be able [to “fill in the blank”] at their age does not guarantee that the person has the skills or the ability to do so.
Treatment
Behaviors such as lying are often treated in comprehensive Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Specific DBT interventions are utilized in individual therapy sessions, and DBT skills can be taught to target lying behavior, as well as to reduce the occurrence of apparent competency through the emphasis on developing prosocial skills to replace the core dysfunctional behaviors.
At Columbus Counseling Group, we offer a variety of therapies, including our Standard DBT Program, that can provide treatment to your loved one. We also offer support and education for family members and friends through classes, small groups, Q&A sessions, skills training, and one-on-one coaching.
Additionally, there is a wonderful program for families provided by the National Education Alliance Borderline Personality Disorder (NEABPD) called Family Connections.
When to get professional help for BPD and lying
Seek professional help when any of the following are true:
- Lying remains constant over time. This might signal an emerging personality disorder, conduct disorder, or learning disability.
- Lying is used to deal with difficult situations on a regular basis.
- Lying occurs with such frequency it is habitual or compulsive.
- There is no remorse about lying, even when caught.
- Lying is coupled with other extreme behaviors such as fighting, stealing or cruelty.
- Lying is used to cover up harmful behaviors such as drug use.
